Today, EU DisinfoLab is proud to give the floor to two of the finest EU bubble journalists, who have graciously agreed to work on this story for free.
by Rita Storen and Phillipe Vieux (nom de plume)
Brussels, 1 April 2026
In a historic victory for digital regulation, the European Commission’s newly rebranded enforcement body, DG APEIN*, announced this morning that it has successfully obtained robust financial guarantees from X, formerly known as Twitter, ensuring full compliance with its obligations under the Digital Services Act (DSA).
The announcement puts to rest weeks of speculation about whether the Commission had actually secured any meaningful guarantees at all – speculation that Commission officials described as “mostly unfounded, offensive, and also please stop asking.”
The Commission acknowledges that it is APEIN decision, and that the entire responsibility for this outcome is APEIN.
A bold show of force
When journalists and civil society groups began raising concerns that the Commission might be concerned of enforcing the DSA against a platform owned by the world’s richest man, the Commission moved swiftly and decisively.
“We were not afraid. We are not afraid. We have never been afraid,” said newly appointed Commission spokesperson Blandine Smith-Müller at a press conference held today, 1st April 2026, in a broom closet in the Berlaymont. “And to prove it, the very next day after those questions were raised, we sent X an email. A strongly worded email. With a subject line.”
The email, sent at 11:58 PM to an unmonitored X support inbox, requested that the platform provide financial guarantees within a reasonable timeframe, defined internally as “eventually, if possible, no rush.”
X responds with « unprecedented cooperation »
“We immediately received an email containing a single emoji,” confirmed the Commission spokesperson, visibly moved. “A poop emoji. 💩 This demonstrated, in our view, a remarkable willingness to engage in constructive dialogue.”
Shortly thereafter, a letter arrived signed by several X executives accusing the Commission of being “abominable censors hell-bent on destroying Christian civilization and probably also breakfast.”
In the spirit of good faith dialogue between reasonable parties, the Commission interpreted this as an opening position and responded with a counter-proposal.
The guarantees: a masterclass in financial innovation
X’s acceptance of the Commission’s framework was, we are told, “excellent.” The Commission is unable to share the details of any private financial transactions between a public institution and a company making money off European users’ data, because it would be boring and why should you care. However, following today’s extraordinary announcement, the full list of guarantees can now be revealed:
1. 250 NFTs featuring a GIF of Elon Musk laughing
Valued at an estimated €5 billion by a valuation firm that has since been dissolved, these digital assets represent a significant commitment on the part of X to the principles of accountability. The GIF loops every 1.3 seconds.
2. A crypto-asset portfolio
Comprising tokens promoted by the top crypto-banks who advertised on X over the past two years. It should be noted that the assets are held exclusively in the metaverse, and are redeemable upon purchase of a Meta Quest headset, in an unprecedent interoperability bid from two competitors.
3. A pinky promise
X has solemnly sworn, hand on heart, spit on face, to do everything within its considerable means to continue to cooperate with the Commission to the fullest extent that it feels like.
A pioneer in transparency
“Once again, the Commission leads the world,” declared the press release, initially sent exclusively to the North Korean Times due to what officials described as “an administrative error that we are not investigating due to a lack of resources.”
“We have set a powerful example. Some bad-faith actors — and we know who you are — have suggested that these guarantees are not, quote, ‘solid.’ To them we say: a poop emoji is worth a thousand words.”
The Commission further emphasised that it would continue to do everything in its power to not hesitate to possibly consider applying the regulation maybe, in situations where it definitely is applicable, should circumstances arise that would warrant such consideration, resources permitting.
DSA enforcement proceedings against X are expected to conclude by 2051, assuming the regulation still exists.
Rita Storen is a New Delhi-born journalist specialising in Indian and European affairs. She regularly travels between Delhi and Brussels, bringing a unique cross-continental perspective to her reporting. She gained international recognition after receiving a Bullshitzer Prize for her work with EU Chronicles.
Phillipe Vieux (nom de plume) is a journalist specialising in European affairs, with deep expertise in the Caucasus region and financial transactions. A jazz lover based between Paris and Brussels, he founded Europe2Day, a leading EU affairs magazine and grassroots activism consultancy.
This article was fact-checked by the Commission APEIN’s internal democracy shield and resilience unit.
If you would like to report this article for disinformation, please refer to our special policy for this piece.
* Agency for Platforms that are Exasperatingly Intransigent and Naughty